Ashes in the home

There’s no question the protracted lockdown is focusing attention on what we keep inside our homes – we’re having to ‘live’ with the choices we’ve made for many more hours each day than we’ve been used to – and often, people are noticing home isn’t quite as relaxing, safe, comforting or happy as it could be.

Two prospective clients have raised the issue of cremated remains this week – one thinking about her deceased dogs and the other his late wife – both kept had the ashes in their homes for years. 

Before the country went into lockdown, neither person had paid much attention to them, but since March the caskets had somehow become more visible. A constant and painful reminder of their loss.

It’s a touchy subject and perhaps, if you’ve suffered a recent bereavement, as we have due to Covid19, it’s a little too close to comfort.

But after the cremation of a loved one, what do you do with the ashes?

Whether it’s your beloved spouse, a grandparent or a treasured pet, those ashes hold onto your sadness. Each time you see them, they amplify your loss.

I believe it’s kindest to let the ashes go, whether into the ground, ashes to ashes, dust to dust… or by scattering them back to nature in some other way, perhaps in a place or way they loved.

But some people cling tightly, they keep ashes on the mantelpiece, or tuck them away in cupboards… a pocket of constant melancholy in their home.

Quite often, pet owners plan to have the ashes put in their own casket when the time comes. The carved boxes, cardboard tubes or memorial urns a constant reminder of their own mortality.

For anyone who retains ashes, whether human or animal, they can find it hard to move forward, and remain stuck in grief or unhappiness they can’t seem to shake. They are afraid to let the ashes go in case they repeat the intense feelings of loss.

But if ultimately you want to experience love, joy, even to smile again, they may be keeping you in a place of sorrow and lack.

In reality, it’s likely your loved one, whether human or animal, would hate to be trapped in an urn or box or hidden in the back of a cupboard.

As a gift to them, let them go and release the emotion and stagnation surrounding their mortal remains in your home.

Liberate the ashes to the wind or the earth, choose a place special to you or them, and allow yourself to focus on the happy memories which will live with you always.

The sense of relief is palpable. Your heart and home will thank you for it too.